Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse

Paula Briedis received her Master’s of Art degree in Counseling from Western Seminary in Portland, Oregon, and is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. She has twenty years experience working with women and their emotional concerns, offering individual, group, and couple’s therapy.

Chances are that either you or someone you know has been sexually abused as a child. Currently, it is estimated that one out of three women and one of six men have been the victim of unwanted sexual contact before the age of twenty-one. Childhood sexual abuse is serious and widespread. Defined as “the engagement of a child in sexual activities for which the child is developmentally unprepared and cannot give informed consent,” sexual abuse can include fondling, genital exposure, intimate kissing, forced masturbation, oral, penile or digital penetration of the mouth, vagina or anus. Pornography, child prostitution, and on-line exploitation are also considered abusive. Based on the statistics, if you are in a line at the grocery store with 5 other women, 2 have been victims of sexual abuse.

“It’s our little secret.” “Our love is special.” “Don’t tell anyone…..” Victims of childhood sexual abuse have often been told these things to keep the abuse hidden. Even the word ‘victim’ implies loss of control or choice. Childhood sexual abuse teaches a child that they are powerless to change. Powerless to say “no” to an adult, powerless to ask another adult for help, and powerless to make the abuse stop. When the sexual abuse happened, the child may have felt confused, ashamed, angry, guilty, helpless and alone. Each time it happens, these feelings increase and grow deeper.

In an attempt to cope with the reality of sexual abuse, victims, no matter what the age, develop survival skills. Intended to keep themselves safe, these skills are often an inadequate basis for adult life. If the abuse is not dealt with in a therapeutic and healing setting, the effects of past abuse will remain and undermine the victim for years to come. The move from victim to survivor, or one who carries on despite the trauma, involves examining the past, redefining the experience, and refining skills necessary for an healthy life today. The picture of a survivor is one of power, control, and choice. While the child ‘inside’ may still feel confusion and all the other emotions, the adult ‘outside’ can take the steps to gain control.

Why would a victim have to deal with it now if it happened years ago? There are many reasons why a child could not deal with the abuse at the time it happened. Fear, confusion, and shame are common feelings that continue to keep the secret of abuse. Now the worst part is over. The abuse has ended, but the effects can continue. The ripple effect of childhood sexual abuse can be hard to pinpoint, even though abuse can affect every aspect of someone’s life. Some survivors may struggle with the following;

Some victims have coped with the past by not remembering. Memory lapses could be a way to deal with the pain and block out traumatic events. This might have worked as a child, but an adult is probably more prepared to face the realities of the abuse. Telling yourself to forget it doesn’t make the abuse go away. Getting assistance does not make the abuse go away, but it helps the memories become manageable

Many survivors develop addictions or compulsive behavior to try and numb the pain. Alcohol, drugs, food, or sex can temporarily block out the emotions, but can have serious negative consequences. Shame often accompanies these attempts to cope, leading to a vicious cycle of self-hate and more attempts to use substances or activities to blot the pain and the memories.

These effects may seem overwhelming, but do not have to be permanent. Life-long patterns are not something that can be changed in a day. It can take hard work to learn new ways of coping with life – to survive. It is important to recognize the strength it takes to survive. It can be a painful process to become a healthy survivor.

Just as there are similarities in the long-term effects of abuse, there are similarities in the process of recovering from childhood sexual abuse. Denial of the abuse is a stage in the process where people can be trapped for many years. Once they begin to make the connection between the past and their current concerns, the Confused Awareness stage begins. This new awareness may be accompanied by fear, panic and anxiety. By Reaching Out in group or individual therapy, the victim begins to be redefined. Anger and depression can follow as issues are worked out, leading to Clarity of Feelings and Emotions. Once the past begins to make sense and responsibility for the abuse is given to the right person, Redefining, or making positive changes in the survivor’s attitudes and feelings marks the next to last stage. Refining skills, or practicing and experiencing new abilities lead to greater coping. Painful feelings do not dominate the memory of the past, and the survivor is able to move on. While the abuse cannot be eliminated, the experience can be incorporated into the new, healthy definition of the former victim, now a true survivor.

So what can you do if you have been the victim of childhood sexual abuse? The first step is to begin to talk about it. This can help you begin to take control back and move from the powerless victim to the powerful survivor. Please remember that in no way were you responsible for the abuse. The secret you have kept is the offender’s secret. The shame you have carried is the abuser’s shame. Not yours. You may have suffered on your own, but there are many people today who are able to assist you with your journey. Learning about your self-worth, believing you did not deserve or provoke the abuse, exploring new outlets for your unexpressed emotions, and practicing new skills in a safe and supportive environment is crucial in order for you to take control. Connecting with healthy people can help you overcome the hurt.

Many options exist for a survivor to begin a healing journey – counseling and therapeutic groups, as well as self help books and workshops. Family Service & Community Mental Health Center is always available to provide “Hope and Help As the Cornerstone of Recovery”…..for additional information or to discuss the many options that are available, call Paula Briedis, MA,LCPC, at (815) 669-2430.

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